A must needed ride towards the dawn

Sometimes you feel like there is a lot happening around you… but let me tell you something.. there is always a hell lot of activities taking place aroung you but you just started noticing now.. because you were all covered by your own problems.. your failures.. your pain.. and your sadness.. Its a universal truth that the more you’ll get involved with your problems the more they’ll conquer your sole.. your dignity.. they will break you from everywhere and you’ll always find your self a looser.. But hell no.. you ain’t a looser .. you just have to stand again.. fight back and rise.. Rise above all bloody worries and fucking problems.. then you’ll realize what you were missing all these years.. around you is a beautiful world. For all these years I was working in a shift that gets over at 4 AM morning.. and now i wonder how I was missed to see the sun rising from the dawn.. but its never too late you know. Just pick your rigg.. ignite the throttle and let your inner sole Roarr… and you’ll feel the beauty with a smile.. ride as far as you can go from mankind and near to the mother nature.. then you’ll realise that no matter how fucked up your life is.. there is always a place in this earth.. in the lap of mother nature.. where you’ll find the peace.. away from every bitchy tensions.. away from all pitty tensions

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tere ishq main…

har taraf hi bheed hai

fir bhi ek tanhaai hai..

gum ne daaman tham liya hai

dard hi sachchaai hai..

jindagi se aaj apni 

ek ajab ruswaai hai. 

aansuoon ke sailaab se mere,

mausamo mai nami chaai hai

the rangeele khwaab jisme,

aankh woh pathraai hai

bekaraai ka hai aalam,

dil mai udaasi chai hai

dekh tere ishq ki,

kaisi sajaa maine paai hai. 

ek pal mai tod gaya tu,

umeedon ki meri duniya ko

apne armaano ki chita,

khud maine hi jalaai hai.. 

rokk le in saanson ko..

ab or kitna mai jiyun..

ae khuda tere jahan se…

nafratt si ho aayi hai………………..

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kashmakash ( dileamma)

From last few months I am in a annoying dilemma. Not able to understand what life actually is and what exactly a human is supposed to do with his life. Why can’t we live a very simple life without thinking about whatever we missed in past and what we gonna get in future? Why can’t we just enjoy our present with love and peace? In my life I have made many mistakes, many of them were unforgettable & unforgiving. I can’t go back and change them then what am I supposed to do? Every day I am dying and trying to live. Am I doing something wrong trying to live with all those mistakes? Am I supposed to die for my mistakes? Is what I deserve? Or is living the actual punishment for my mistakes? Is death the end of this suffering? Or i’ll have to live and search for peace? I have heard people saying I am a human and human can make mistakes.. i am not a god who never makes mistakes. I too made many mistakes…. but why i don’t deserve forgiveness ? am i not a human? what the hell i am then? lost in all these questions. i have no idea what i am fighiting for and with whome i actually am fighting with. is it me i am fighting with ? or god? or my destiny.. all these questions are killing me and making my life a living hell.

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end of illusion ….

It’s being so long that I haven’t wrote anything. Allmost 5-6 weeks. I don’t have any idea what I was doing all this time. I was just running away. No idea from what? Or from where? Or why? But I was just running away. Now….. Now what? I guess I am fed up of all these running. I want to slow down now. Want to stay still so that I can regain the strength and energy, energy to stand tall and face my bloody fate, energy to fight back. I now realise that no one can run away from there own fate. I am totally clueless about what’s coming next, but ya whatever it is I am gonna face it. I won’t run this time. I will fight back. No matter how hard it’s gonna be but i’ll fight back. I have no dreams left, no hopes, no motive or goal but still i’ll fight. I am fed up of all these. Life is becoming so much painful & frustrating day by day. How far can one go carrying his own deadbody?.. At last one as to stop and face the truth. Truth of his life. That he can’t live like dead whole life. I’ll have to live. I cannot just keep running like this whole life isn’t it. But if I want to live i’ll have to accept the truth. So here I am….. Trying to live again… No matter what happens but i’ll live. I will survive. I know I am left with nothing. But that means i have got nothing to loose now. So I can now fight fearlessly. I don’t want to be a subject of gossip anymore. I have seen people talking about my life. About what I did right or what I did wrong. I don’t bloody care about there opinion about my life. I just would like to tell them that its very easy to comment on someone’s life or make fun of one’s emotions wen you don’t even know what that person is going through, that what he feels and how he is still alive. I would like to tell them that if they are really this much concerned about my life than come and live my life for just one day and than express your views about me and my life.  I would like to ask them to wear my shoes and walk a mile. Then they’ll come to know how easy it is to evaluate and talk about ones life and how hard it is to live his life. Then they’ll realise how I am still alive and standing tall facing the same life everyday, every second. Hah…. But I don’t want to get involved in all this bullshit arguments as they mean nothing to me. They are just a peace of waste who have got nothing to do but talk about others. I know its a bit of hard time for me and I’ll come over it soon. I don’t know if i’ll be happy again or not but who wants to be happy????? I just want to live and show some bloody rascals there actual status.. I just quit for some time.. I didn’t loose. And now I am coming back.  

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oo bawreee

this part.. This small part of my life is called being running away. Yeah I have tried many times before.. To stand up and face this life.. I have failed everytime.. But it doesn’t means that I quit!!.. I’ll never quit like this.. Never. I just want some time of my own life just for me. Not for anyone else but for me only. I guess I have this much of rights. I guess I can choose how to spend my time.. I am not a servant and am fed up of being someone else. I just want to be me now.. Even if people don’t like me I don’t care. I am me and will be living like this from now. I don’t wanna care about what people think about me. This is my life and no one can rule it. I don’t want to care about people who judge me from there own point of views.

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unknown journey of my life.

here I am. Again in the same dilemma. Don’t know what m trying to do or achieve. I have got nothing to loose so I feel the fear of being fearless. I can feel the feeling of being left alone. I have already paid alot for my mistakes but still m repeating the same mistakes again. My friends have lost all hopes. And why not.. They put all possible efforts to help me come out of all this but its like I don’t want to. But I want to tell them that even I tried hard to come out of all this. I really did. But I lost again. I am again in the same place I started from. Its so annoying and so much irritating but who will understand? Hah.. People feel that I like living like this. No guys no. I too want to live. I too want to enjoy my life, my salary. I too want to live my dreams but!. But what dreams.. All are attached to my past. Every part of my life was attached to my past. Every thing. All of it. anyways… M not gonna quit like this. I will start again. And this time i’ll try even harder. I’ll start again. I find myself soo lonely. I feel I have lost the last few friends of mine. They too have stopped understanding me. And how long will they? Afterall they have got there ow life to care for. Why would anyone waste his life on me when he can clearly see that his efforts are going useless. So, now its just me… All alone. And I am the only one who is responsible for this situation. No one else but me. I lie every time when I talk to my parents and my family. I don’t want them to know about what I am going through. I want them to be happy no matter what happens to me. But how long would I be able to lie and hide? Some day some how they’ll come to know about me as things are going much more worst everyday. some people advice me to put a fake smile on my face and pretend that I am living my life on full throttle. But for whom? For peoples who don’t fukin care? Is living like this is worth living? Who the hell are those peoples to justify me and my actions when they have never gone through what I am going through now!

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apologize

I know I made mistakes. Some big mistakes and thats what I am paying for now. I know I am responsible for my situation. I accept all my mistakes. I dont know how am gonna survive in this guilt and sorrow and how long am gonna go. I have no clue about what life I am living right now and what m gonna live tomorrow. I am just being flown by the winds. I am so much confused or I guess I am not confused but I am not thinking about anything at all. I find myself weak. So weak to take decisions of my own life. And I am not sure about the reason behind this weakness… Am I weak because of that incidence? Am I weak because I drink till I get washed out? Am I weak as I dont care about me and my life?. I find myself so selfish. Selfish is the only word I hated always. And now its so frequent that I find myself so much selfish. I live in a life with no reality. And like that… Being drunk is all I care about. And than the ‘nasha’ keeps me in my illusanary life. And when I come out I feel tthe real world so much lost. As I am not a part of this world. As if I don’t belong to this world. This world where my parents live. Where my friends and relative are. I find this world so annoying. So much unknown. As I never knew this world. I seek for drinks so that I can go back to my world. The world where I am free to do any thing. In this world I find myself so much bound.. I feel like I am in a cell. But that world is totally different. There I am free to do anything. I am free to say anything and blame anyone. I like living that life but I am paying alot for that life. Not in terms of money but everything else. Everything else. My friends.. My parents… My respact… Life… Everything.

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